Agony of Responsibility (What if I am Wrong?)
Yesterday’s blog post was extremely stressful for me on so
many different avenues. For me to make
the statement that I now support gay marriage was almost as hard as saying I
now support any of the seven deadly sins or any other host of errant behavior. Please understand where I am coming
from. I was raised in an extremely
conservative southern Pentecostal church who believed that any one sin, no
matter how insignificant it may be would lead you right to hell. It didn’t matter that you gave your heart to
the Lord yesterday; if you sinned today you would be jerked right out of your
shoes and slammed into the pits of an everlasting and all-consuming hell. Growing up with that belief was in itself a
form of hell, living every day in fear and not in the loving Grace of our Lord
and Savior.
As I grew older I committed myself to studying the Word to
understand what God really said about salvation and falling from Grace. As I studied the Word and listened to His
voice I learned to walk in the Light and Peace of the Father instead of the fear
and anxiety of what would happen to me if I messed up. But old
lesson die hard and many of the erroneous teaching of my youth still
linger. Like Gay Marriage.
The fear of going to hell consumed my life for nearly thirty
years after my transition. Whereas, I
knew the Lord loved me which ever gender I was, I could never break free of my
childhood teaching. The fear of going to
hell plagued me. If I died today, where
would I spend all eternity? If somehow I
made it to Heaven by the skin of my teeth, would I get a crown? Would Jesus proclaim me before the Father and
say “well done, my good and faithful servant”?
I wanted so much to please God but my childhood teaching would not let
me live in peace.
Finally, in 2013 I finally broke through and found the peace
I had sought after that long thirty year journey. The Father had shown me so much and I had
learned so much and I knew He was calling me to share these Pearls of Wisdom to
others struggling with the same issues.
I had so much needed someone along my walk to have guided me but I had no one. I had to find my own way and I wanted to help others. However, every day, my youthful errant teaching endeavored to dislodge
and disrupt what God has led me to do.
I know the responsibility of sharing my life with others and
often the burden weights me down. If someone
is looking to me for guidance, and if I lead them astray, the Bible tells me it
would be better for me to have a millstone tied around my neck and dropped into
the deepest ocean. The tremendous responsibility
often overwhelms me. The pressure of
causing others to miss out on God haunts me.
What if I am wrong? What if I
didn’t hear God correctly? What if Satan has got me deceived? What if…..what if……WHAT IF?
I also knew that when I started writing these blogs and
presenting my viewpoints I would be angering the church and the LGBT community
alike. And I have done just that. Because I my Christian views I have been
banned from some LGBT writing web sites.
I don't know if my writing is helping anyone or if I am offending my readers. I rarely get comments back and I often get very discouraged. I feel like a voice crying in the wilderness with no support from
anyone.
I love the transgender community. Ya’ll have endured so much, for so long
against all odds and sometimes I don’t think we are any closer than when I
started my journey in the early ‘80’s.
Please understand that we are all on this journey together, yet, each
individually and leaning on each other for support. I haven’t all the answers, yet I know where
some of the watering holes are and I know where many of the land mines are
hidden. I am not Moses but I know God
walks with those who walks with Him and sometimes He has to carry us. Please pray for me.
Bobbie Lang May 26,
2014
If you like
the fresh and different viewpoint I have for transgender Christians
struggling with gender confusion and their faith in God please follow and like
me on Facebook at
Amazon: Transgender Christians In Chains
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